My battle with food & weight

So, I have been reading a bunch of blogs lately. They are of people who have or are losing weight. I find reading them very inspiring. I have read of the struggles people face each day as they work to overcome their addiction to food. It really is an addiction. Food is something I think a lot about. I am always planning my next unhealthy meal. I obsess over my weight constantly because I know I'm not healthy. I went to the gym last year and was told my BMI is 30. It is probably worse now that I have gained more weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my whole life. My weight struggles began when I was 12 or 13 years old. I remember getting on the scale and realizing I had
gained a couple pounds. I made sure to eat very little over the next few days. I have moved a lot over my life and it seems that every time I move I end up gaining weight. When I moved to CO with the family, I gained about 20lbs. eating junk. I had my tonsils removed and lost all the weight. As I began to get serious with soccer, I slowly gained the weight back and ended up around 186lbs. I still remember telling my goalie coach I was going to lose some weight to make me quicker in the goal. I hoped (secretly) that he would disagree and say I was just fine. However, he did not and told me I could use losing some weight. That crushed me... I was not even that heavy at that point. Then, my family again moved to TX. I went through some emotional struggles and ended up gaining around 30 more lbs. I tipped the scales at 213lbs. I ended up going on Weight Watchers and lost about 13lbs. Then, I got sick of being fat and began to starve myself. I would go all day without eating and then have half a peanut butter sandwich. I lost 40lbs. and was sickly as can be. I would always give excuses to my friends and family about why I wasn't eating or why I was eating so little. My family and friends worried about me, but they hoped I would snap out of it. I look back and wonder what caused me to become anorexic and I realize it had to do with my biological father. He came to visit me before I started my first year of college. After seeing me, he asked what was going on with my face. I have struggled with cystic acne since I turned 16. My skin was at its worst then. I had red pustules on my face and tons of white heads. My skin was scaring and I looked terrible. You can see in the pic below:

My dad then proceeded to ask me what he could do to help. The acne covered not only my face, but my chest, back, and the backs of my arms. I was shocked by his statement. I had not thought my skin was that bad. My parents had told me not to worry and that it would go away. You see, I have the best parents (mom & step-dad) in the world. They have always been positive towards me and told me I'm beautiful. But here was my biological father telling me I was scary looking and not that attractive. He may not have said it, but that is what I felt. So, I made an appointment with my dermatologist and went on Accutane. I would never recommend that anyone go on that stuff. It got rid of the acne for a time, but it also made my skin crack and bleed and my hair fell out. Yikes!! By the way, my acne has returned, but it is not as bad as back then. Anyway, I believe that is what triggered me to feel ugly and fat and caused me to start starving myself. I began my first semester of college and did snap out of it. I actually began eating a lot from the stress of school and being away from my family. I gained about 30lbs my first year of college. Ever since then, I have maintained a weight of around 190lbs. I will gain about 13lbs and then lose it with WW or by eating lots of fruits and veggies. I got accepted to nursing school and gained weight from that stress. I got out of nursing school and lost the weight to get back to 190. Then, I moved with my family to Arizona and I have gained around 20lbs. Change makes my life feel chaotic and I just eat to cope. Right now, I am at my heaviest EVER. I joined WW, but have not stuck with it. I feel stuck right now. I can't stand being this heavy. I keep thinking, "I'm 23! I should be healthy and happy!" But I am not happy with my appearance. I eat way to much and need to learn better coping methods. I want to win this battle, but feel so defeated. I need strength and determination. I need the Lord's help to overcome this weakness in my life. My battle with food and weight has been lifelong and I'm ready to overcome it. I want to be whole from the inside out.

That is me on the right.